[Story] Slide ~ One Shot
Title: Slide
Summary: When Fred and Lex’s marriage go through several crises in a short time, Lex is worried that one severe loss, one night and one mistake have made her lost him forever.
Rating: PG-13
Dedication: For all the chapter sixes in the world.
Genre: Angst/Romance
Disclaimer: Two lines in the story are from W.H. Auden's Stop all the clocks poem. This story is based on nygoldfish54's fan fiction Leave It To Me. Fred is mine. Lex is Kristine's. Jeff is Kristine's. Jake is nobody. Chance's name is not Rex.

    Our apartment was a three bedroom penthouse on Upper East Side. We could’ve afforded a much bigger place if we wanted to, in a much more exclusive part of town, but we never felt the need for it. I always liked it there. It wasn’t too luxurious, but it felt like home. Everywhere felt like home with Fred.

    Through the years, I never doubted him for a second. It was more my own insecurities that brought us to where we stand today; to where we stood two hours ago. I never expected him to come back. I pictured two scenarios; one was that I’d offer to move out; the other was the he’d force me to go. I hadn’t thought that he would get up and leave himself; not after everything he’d invested in this, in us. I thought for sure I’d be the one to go.

    We’ve had a rough couple of months behind us. I should’ve known it would end like this. I should’ve seen it coming.

    We were nineteen when we first found this place. We were young, and impulsive, and very much in love. He made me happy, and showed me a life that I didn’t think I deserved. We moved in together in the fall, the same year we graduated from high school. In December the same year, on my birthday, he proposed to me and we got married as soon as we could. I thought we had it all, because we were so happy together. It seemed like enough at the time.

    Fred played for New York University’s hockey team. He was a very good player and had a good chance of being drafted by the New York Islanders in the entry draft three years after we got married. He gave it all up for me, though. He always put his family – me – ahead of everything, which makes me feel like I’ve let him down after everything that’s happened.

    He was gone a lot, due to all the games he had to play. He kept playing, even after he turned down the chance of playing professionally. I loved him a lot. Every minute with him made up for our days, even weeks, apart. He always made sure I was alright.

    I didn’t particularly like high school. I was rather burned out from all the studying and didn’t go to college until I was twenty-one. I was home with Fred those first few years. I could focus on making music, on making it with the band, on anything but having to go back to school. I liked it for a while. I needed a break from everything. Fred took care of me.

    I grew bored from sitting at home, waiting for him to come home from his games. I went back to school for a while, until I was offered a job at a local radio station in Manhattan. They’d heard our band perform, and wanted to know if I was interested in doing an internship there. Once they’d taught me the ropes around the place, I realized that it was something I was good at, something I could do well. I was supposed to do research, but eventually they trusted me with bigger tasks. I got to write press items for the news department, and review different bands and albums for the review section on their website. I even got to write editorials later on. The station manager, Jake, liked the work I put in, and offered to let me on the air, to present the weather forecast. I loved working there. It felt like I was part of the team.

    Fred never had any problem with the fact that I was working. He was never a jealous guy; always supportive of what I wanted to do. I told him how sorry I was that I couldn’t always be home with him when he had a day off. I didn’t want to risk my job, and I worked late nights, and early mornings just so they would see that I was someone they could count on. “Don’t worry about it,” Fred kept saying. “I’m glad you’ve found something you want to do.”

    I told him about everything; how I loved working there, how nice my co-workers were, how nice it was to have someone like Jake to believe in me. Fred had smiled and listened to my stories, showing interest in what I was doing. Unfortunately, we didn’t see much of each other. We were both so busy, so caught up in our jobs that it would be weeks before we could really sit down and talk.

    It didn’t seem so bad at first. We spoke on the phone every night, or every morning, depending on my shift. If he was in the city, we had lunch together. When we had time, Fred took me out to concerts, dinners or some sporting events. I’ve always been interested in sport. If we didn’t go out, we stayed in, watched a movie, and spent the night together, enjoying every minute we had to ourselves.

    The same year I turned twenty-three, two years after I got my job at the station, and four years after I married Fred, I got pregnant. We hadn’t planned it that way. It just happened. I know Fred had always wanted a baby with me. We’d talked about it, saying that we would wait until we were at least twenty-five, twenty-six, before we would start discussing it seriously. It’s not that I didn’t want a baby with him; I just wasn’t ready at the time. He respected that, of course, but I knew it was something he desperately wanted, even if he didn’t voice it out loud. It was what I wanted too; just not at the time.

    He was happy about it, and I was happy too, after I got used to the idea. I had wished to be a bit more established at the radio station before we decided to have a family, as I feared I’d be forced to do the simpler tasks again, or even worse: get fired. Fred assured me that he’d be around to help me as much as he could, which he was. Everything seemed to be getting much better between us, up until that day in September, when Fred was in Philadelphia to play a game, and I was working a late shift, to help out with the programming. I was in the studio, right before they would go on the air, when everything around me just went black.

    When I woke up several hours later, Fred was by my side, holding my hand, telling me that I’d miscarried. I was devastated. It took me a long time to get over the initial shock, and it didn’t help that I knew that Fred was as crushed as I was, even if he tried to put on a good face for me. It really went downhill after that.

    I buried myself in work at the station. Going home, seeing Fred, everything was so painful at the time. When Fred wasn’t home, I stayed with Jeff. I didn’t want to be alone, but I didn’t want to be around Fred either, watching him step lightly around me to keep from upsetting me. Jeff was my support through that time. He told me that we needed a break, and that was all. It was only a crisis we’d work through.

    Spending all that time at the station, instead of taking time off, as I’d initially asked for, made my boss curious. As it were, I spent much more time with Jake than I did with my own husband, even if it was all work related. After every shift, he asked me out for dinner, and it was nice, not being treated like I was made of glass. He made me forget, even if it was just for a while, that I had issues to work through, and a marriage that was going up in flames.

    I asked Jeff several times if he thought I was pushing the limits by having dinners with Jake almost every night. Jeff questioned me about how serious those ‘dates’ were, and I told him they were completely innocent, because they were. I even told Fred where I was when I wasn’t coming home straight after a shift, and as usual, Fred didn’t have any problems with me going my own way. He was trying hard not to suffocate me, and I appreciated it, trying hard not to abuse the trust he had in me.

    Three months ago, Fred got tickets to a concert I’d shown interest in going to. I looked forward to going with him. Fred always knew how to make me happy, even if it was difficult sometimes. Unfortunately, things didn’t go quite as they should have. I’ve stopped hoping that anything ever will again. Fred had to go to a press conference the night of the concert. He called me, telling me he’d stop by the station before he had to go. He’d never met Jake personally, so the two shook hands and talked for a while, about the station (turns out, Fred’s father owned the network that operated the radio station) and about me. Fred explained how proud he was of me, for being able to work my way up to the top like I had. He also told Jake how he’d only heard good things about him from me, and how much I liked working with him. Fred suggested that I should go to the concert with Jake if I didn’t want to go on my own. I should’ve known it was a bad idea from the start.

    All those months Fred and I had spent, avoiding each other, grieving separately over the loss of our baby, had taken a toll on us. I barely knew who I was anymore. I’d always been Fred’s girl, from as far back as the tenth grade. Now when Fred hadn’t been around so much, to be my support like he always had been, I’d lost my direction. He was my north, my south, my east, my west; my working week and my Sunday rest – and now he just… wasn’t there. I still loved him. It just wasn’t enough anymore. Not like it had been five years earlier, when we’d just gotten married. I needed his support and affection as much as ever, but I couldn’t ask for it, or show him that I wanted it. I didn’t want to be put on a pedestal, treated like I was fragile. Fred couldn’t give me everything I wanted. I was selfish, and thought I could have it all.

    I realize now, that my quest for the unattainable only made things worse. If I’d only let things be, avoided the temptations, I would have everything I’ve ever wanted now – just like before.

    Jake walked me home that night, after the concert. It was a mild night in May and we’d stayed out late. Jake had taken me to a bar to have a few drinks after the concert was over. Fred hadn’t called me and I was even a bit mad at him for not worrying about me; for not caring why I wasn’t home yet. The doorman probably noticed I was a bit tipsy when I arrived, throwing a quick glance at the guy by my side who wasn’t my husband. Still, he addressed me as Mrs. Ahlgren – like I had forgotten – and when I asked, he told me that Fred wasn’t home yet either.

    Jake insisted on walking me to the door, so we took the elevator up to the top floor. My life changed with that one rash decision. Jake started telling me how much he admired my devotion to my job; how he’d always thought I was cut out for working in media. I was probably too drunk to notice that he was only trying to get me into bed. I became more cautious as I made an attempt to get the keys out of my bag, telling him that Fred was going to come home some time soon and that he’d better go. Turns out, Jake’s intentions weren’t as genuine as he’d made them out to be. Maybe I was just a pretty face with a good voice after all.

    He told me that I’d be sure to move on up, get myself more time on the air, even an office – whatever good that would do – if I invited him in to spend the night. I fended off his advancements, repeating Fred’s name over and over again. That’s when he threatened to tell Fred everything about us; about our dinners, the conversations we’d had, how I’d done almost anything to be able to excel at the station; even things that weren’t true, but sounded true when Jake twisted my words around. It scared me more than anything, because Fred was still my world and the only man I’d ever loved. And I loved him more than anything. So I let Jake take advantage of that. I think it was the weakest moment of my life, letting him feel me up like he did, allowing him to grab me and lean me up against the wall right outside the door to the apartment where I lived with the man that had mattered so much to me for so many years. I tried to be strong, strong enough to push him away, but the thought of losing Fred was too much for me to bear. Even if I would have objected, I’m still not sure I would have been physically strong enough to keep him from doing whatever he wanted with me.

    The respect Fred had always shown me, which I’d taken for granted all my adult life, and which I now appreciate more than anything, was something that Jake had never had for me. I’d grown so used to having someone’s respect and love, and full attention at all times, that I’d assumed Jake to be the same. He was nothing like Fred, and maybe that was why I’d felt so drawn to him at first. At that point, though, all I wanted was my Fred to be back, for the nightmare to be over.

    I was prepared for the ultimate worst, after all. Fred was the only man I’d ever been with; physically, emotionally – he was my everything. It would all be taken from me, and then I’d have nothing at all.

    So I kissed him, hoping that it’d be enough to keep him off my back, even though I was well-aware that he’d only want more. That’s how Fred found us. Jake’s lips against mine; me struggling to push him away with everything I had. It was an absurd moment. And Fred had to step out of the elevator at that exact moment. “What’s going on?” The words had made Jake recoil so fast that he twisted my arm around, making me cry out with pain. I felt sick, and scared, and I was still crying. Fred was livid, and watching him only made things worse. I don’t know what made him most angry; Jake kissing me, or Jake hurting me – or Jake making me cry. I think he knew what was going on, even before I told him.

    “Fred,” I gasped jerkily, so crushed and so relieved at the same time that I could barely breathe. “Fred, you don’t understand. Please…”

    Fred only looked at me briefly, looking hurt, but mostly furious. “What are you doing with my wife?” he snapped sharply. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him that angry before in my life.

    “Look, we were just talking-” Jake explained stupidly, backing away from Fred. At 6’3, Fred towered over most people, and at that point, it made him look many times as intimidating.

    “It didn’t look like talking,” Fred growled, keeping his voice under check. “Let go of her arm. You’re hurting her.”

    As soon as Jake had released his grip around my wrist, I stumbled backwards, cowering behind Fred. “I didn’t want to,” I whispered quietly, my voice breaking between sobs. “I swear, Fred. You have to believe me.”

    “No, it wasn’t like that,” Jake claimed, trying to work up some sort of authority. “Lex, you don’t need to lie to him anymore.”

    I think Fred believed me enough to realize what Jake had tried to do with me, and he’d definitely heard enough. Before Jake could spew more lies about me, or have time to react, Fred punched him so forcefully in the face that he was knocked into the wall behind him. I stood back, watching Fred walk over to where Jake was sprawled on the floor, his fists still clenched tight. Jake looked up at him, straightening up against the wall and wiping some blood away from the corner of his mouth. “Firstly,” Fred spat angrily, “I know for a fact that my wife has never, in the many years we’ve been together, lied to me. Secondly, I suggest you get the fuck out of the building, before I decide I’d rather just kill you for hurting her. Thirdly, if you choose to stay here and let me punch the hell out of you while we wait for the police to arrive-”

    “I haven’t done anything illegal,” Jake said weakly, the authority in his voice completely gone. “I could press charges for this.” He motioned at the left side of his face, where a dark bruise was starting to develop.

    “Trust me, my lawyers feed on people like you,” Fred muttered simply, turning away. I automatically flinched back when he approached me, but he didn’t look quite as enraged as before. Instead, he looked sad and defeated, and I hated that I was the one who’d made him feel like that. “You alright?”

    He leaned over me, placing a hand on my shoulder and I noticed that he was shaking slightly. I nodded, too shocked to get out any more words, now when he’d heard my explanation and believed me. “It’s okay,” he murmured quietly. “Just go inside and stay there. I’ll handle this.”

    That was the last thing he told me, before unlocking the door and ushering me in to the apartment. All I remember after that is slipping down on the floor, unable to move for what felt like hours, before I managed to get to the phone and call Jeff. Fred didn’t come back to the apartment. I don’t know what happened to him, where he went, or what he did about Jake. I think he was too hurt to look me straight in the eyes.

    I have a new job now. I work at a small TV network, again as researcher. I don’t mind it, though. I thought I’d be out in the cold after what happened with Jake. Of course, the network is funded by Miller Corporation, so I suspect Fred pulled some strings, but I like working there. Fred has always been a nice guy; too nice, even. I really don’t think I deserve it. I never knew, though, how much influence he actually has. He was quite vindictive, more so than I ever thought he could be, when dealing with Jake. I think Jake hurt him, and Fred wanted to punish him for it. Jake was foolish enough to sue Fred, as he’d threatened, and as Fred had threatened back, there wasn’t much left of Jake when Miller Corporation’s lawyers had picked him apart. Jake went into personal bankruptcy a short while later. I thought Fred would feel the need to put me through the same thing, but he hasn’t filed for divorce or demanded that I leave the apartment. He only called me once, a few days after I last saw him, asking if I was alright, telling me to stay with Jeff if I was scared. He got me the job, of course, after the station I used to work at was bought out by Miller Corporation. I guess Fred had issues with that place too, it being under Jake’s direction and all.

    That’s where we are now. Or, that’s where we were two hours ago. I’m still here, clinging on to whatever is left of Fred in the apartment. I’m on a leave of absence, even though I just started on my new job, not only because my new boss thought I needed a break, but also because I don’t want to risk anything now when we have another baby on the way. I keep thinking that maybe Fred will come back to me, so we can be a family again, now when we have something to really fight for. I’m afraid that he doesn’t want me anymore, that what I did was too damaging to our relationship for it to ever be mended. All I know is that I have a part of Fred inside of me, and I hope he still wants it. Right now, this baby is all I want.

    This morning, however, things changed. I was sitting on the couch in the living room, wearing one of Fred’s sweatshirts that were three sizes too big for me, snuggled together under the blanket with Chance next to me, his snout buried under a pillow. Chance is the Shelties puppy Fred got me for Christmas. He’s not as rowdy anymore, and is a good companion when I feel alone. He also watches over me, guarding the door when he hears someone outside. That was probably Fred’s intention from the beginning; to have someone watching over me when he couldn’t. Chance has noticed Fred’s absence the same way I have. His ears are droopy and he keeps looking at the door, probably hoping Fred will come back at any second. My ears aren’t droopy, but I feel the same way.

    Suddenly he jerked his head up, his ears pointing straight up as if he’d heard something, growling deep in his throat and showing his teeth, before jumping down from the couch and heading for the door. I heard the door unlock, so I got up, wondering if it was Jeff. Chance started barking. I went towards the hallway to calm him down, but had only reached the kitchen when the door opened and Chance’s claws clattered against the floor when he ran forward. “Hey there, Chance,” I heard Fred say. “Missed me, did ya? Any idea where the lady of the house is?”

    I hurried over to the kitchen doorway, leaning against the frame, watching Fred pat Chance on the head, before putting aside his keys on top of the small dresser next to the clothes hanger. He was about to take off his jacket when he looked up and spotted me. “Hey,” I said uncertainly, not sure why he was here, not sure if he was going to yell at me, or if he was here to drop off the legal papers for the divorce personally. He hadn’t brought a folder with him, though.

    “Hey there,” he repeated, half-smiling. “How are you?”

    “I’m alright,” I mumbled, pulling the over-sized sweatshirt tighter around me, my arms folded. “Umm, how are you?” It felt a little bit like I was talking to a stranger. It felt strained and bizarre, talking to Fred like he was someone I didn’t really know.

    “Wasn’t sure you’d be home,” he said gently, now smiling more casually at me. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

    “I was just… I was eating ice-cream with Chance,” I explained, also feeling more relaxed. “Do you… do you wanna come in?”

    “That’d be nice, yeah,” he nodded, following me into the living-room. “I’m sorry if I… if I left you a bit at loss. Have you been able to manage the rent by yourself?”

    “Yeah,” I whispered, scared to find out what he really wanted. “I… Where have you been?”

    Fred went around the coffee table, sitting down on the couch. Chance quickly scurried over to put his head in Fred’s lap to have his ears scratched. “I stayed with Mac for a while,” he said, not looking at me. I sat down in the other corner of the couch, nervously fiddling with my wedding ring. “Drove him mad, probably. You know how we are.”

    “So you were… you were okay?”

    “I wasn’t too bad off. I missed you, of course.”

    I sighed with relief, not sure if I wanted him to notice it or not. “I…” I started to feel choked up. “Uh, I was hoping you’d… you’d come back. Are you still… are you still very angry with me?”

    Fred didn’t answer at once. When he finally did, he turned to me, reaching out for my hand. I crawled over to him, wishing he would put his arms around me. Instead, he held my hand in a firm grip, staring down at my fingers. “I’m sorry I left you. I shouldn’t have. I just needed to be away from here for a while. After everything that happened…” His voice trailed off. I could tell he’d practice what to say beforehand. “I’m sorry I left you all alone.”

    “I’m sorry I was so stupid,” I sobbed quietly, holding on to his hand as if it were a lifeline. “I’m sorry I ruined everything.”

    Fred sighed heavily. “It wasn’t just your fault. Of course it wasn’t. Things had been wrong for a while,” he said tracing his thumb over the top of my hand. “I didn’t take care of you as well as I should have. There’s no need to put the full blame on either one of us. It won’t do much good, I think. I handled it pretty carelessly, all of it. I love you so much, and the thought of losing you, to him, was too big for me to deal with.”

    “Please,” I sniffled desperately. “Please come back.”

    I don’t know if he’d planned to let me have a different impression of why he was there, to let me sweat for a while longer, but he obviously couldn’t go through with it. He looked at me with tears in his eyes. “Yeah. Of course I will.”

    At last, he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into his safe embrace, kissing my forehead. “I… I missed you,” I stuttered, burying my head against his shoulder, crying tears of utter relief. “I missed you.”

    “I missed you too, love,” he murmured. “It’ll be alright.”

    I looked up at him, seeing him smile amusedly. “What?”

    “Chance is eating your ice-cream,” he said, shaking his head, chuckling.

    Looking over my shoulder, I saw Chance with his nose deep in the box of vanilla ice-cream I’d placed on the table. “Bad dog!”

    “He’s taking this excruciating moment as a chance to nick food,” Fred snorted.

    I giggled a bit; glad to have him back, glad that he was making jokes again. Even if I know it won’t be that easy, he’s still back, and that’s all that matters. “I think he was a bit sad when you didn’t come home,” I explained quietly, still not wanting to say something that would upset him.

    “I noticed that when he attacked me at the door,” Fred smiled, turning back to look at me, tilting his head to the side. “How’s the little one?”

    I’d even forgotten about the baby up until then. “He’s a bit bigger now,” I said, my voice still trembling. “Got some sonograms during my last check.”

    “I’d love to see them. No complications?” he asked concernedly.

    “No. He’s alright.”

    “You know it’s a boy?” Fred asked curiously, unable to disguise his excitement.

    “No,” I smiled coyly. “I just think it is.”

    “It’s probably a girl,” he mumbled thoughtfully. “I’ve always wanted a girl.”

    “I know. We can hope it’s a girl,” I whispered, putting my arms around his neck. Talking about the baby seemed to make the atmosphere between us less awkward. It was our common ground right now. “I wouldn’t mind a little girl.”

    “I wouldn’t mind a son either,” he said throatily.

    We sat in silence for a while. I was still scared of the uncertainty; not knowing where we’d go from here, how we would handle being us again, after being apart for so long – for more than just the couple of months he hadn’t been living here. I don’t know if he still trusts me the same way he once did, or if he even loves me as much as he used to. I know it’ll be hard to be what we once were, but I’m sure he’s willing to work on it, just as I am. I won’t give him up as easily again. Not this time. Not ever. “So, what happens now?” The answer scared me greatly, but I had to know.

    Fred pulled away from me, tucking back some lose hair behind my ear. “It feels good to be home again,” he told me, giving me a warm smile. His eyes were filled with the same affection and concern as he’s always shown me, every day we’ve been together. It was the reason I fell in love with him, why he’s always had a special place in my heart. He loves me. “Even if I can’t stay this time.”

    “I know you can’t,” I sighed deeply. I understand why he had to leave. “When will I see you again?”

    “I thought Wednesday would be a good day,” he said firmly, reaching into his pocket to pull out a piece of paper. “We have an appointment with a Laura Granger at three o’ clock. She’s supposed to be good, I’ve heard. Best in the business regarding marriage trouble.”

    “Yeah, Jeff told me. Did he call you?”

    “He sent me a note,” Fred explained while nodding. “Tell him I said thank you. It was nice of him to suggest we’d do this.”

    “Well, you know Jeff,” I smiled slightly. “Always looking out for me.”

    Fred smiled too. “I’m sure we’ve both been thinking about it at some point.”

    “But he got the ball rolling,” I pointed out, staring at the note in Fred’s hand. “Told me we just needed a push in the right direction. It’s up too us from here, he said.”

    “He’s right,” Fred stated, before slowly getting up from the couch. “I should probably go now. I just had to see you today, for a while. I missed you.”

    I followed him back out into the hallway, waiting as he put on his shoes and grabbed his jacket. “When are you coming back?”

    Fred opened his mouth, but didn’t say anything. I got the impression that he didn’t quite know himself. “As soon as I know,” he replied. “When… when I’m…”

    “Okay,” I interrupted gently, to let him know that he didn’t have to have an answer right away.

    He went over to the door, reaching for his keys. “Take care of yourself, Lex,” he said frankly. “And take care of the little one.”

    “I will.”

    “I’ll drop by to see you… see how you’re doing…”

    I nodded, feeling gloomy because he had to leave so soon. “I’ll see you on Wednesday,” I hurried to say before he left.

    “Yeah,” he smiled sadly, observing me with a concerned look in his eyes, before stepping back over to me, grabbing my hand. “Don’t worry, Lex. We’ll be fine. It might take a couple of weeks… and a lot of sessions with that marriage counselor-” He made me giggle slightly. “-but I’ll come back soon. You’re… This is my home, you know? You’re all the family I got and I love you very, very much. So, don’t worry. I don’t plan to stay gone for long.”

    “I know,” I whispered.

    “And… and you know where to find me. Anytime you need me, just call me, and I’ll be here. I’ll go with you to the doctor and I’ll help you-” he fell quiet, shaking his head. “This is ridiculous. I’ll be back within a week, and then we’ll have the rest of our life to work this out. We’ll be alright.”

    He kissed my hair as gently as he could, letting go of me. “Bye,” I said with a smile, knowing he’d be back at some point, knowing everything would work out fine, now when I’d seen that he wasn’t going to leave me.

    The door closed behind him, and I stood immobile for a minute or two, staring at the closed door, noticing how I didn’t feel as empty inside anymore. I was sad, of course, because he had to leave, but I wasn’t worried that he wouldn’t come back. I wasn’t scared any longer.

    Everything would be fine again and I suddenly felt much better.

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